Yes, folks, I have gone mentally insane. That's what a sick cocktail of heartbreak, intense culture and climate shock, unemployment, and being broke will do to a girl. But I promise there's a (semi-legit) thought pattern that has accompanied this process. Ready to hear it?
So, Christmas was great, and I spent some much-needed time with family and friends. And then, as the excitement and chaos is gone, and as I see my friends starting classes without me for the first time, I panic. I will admit that I have been lucky enough to escape the grip of depression for most of my life, but that's when it hit me. I felt so sad, unmotivated, useless, and out of place (even in my own home!) that I didn't want to get off the couch some days. Those of you who have experienced this, even for a short time, know how intense those feelings can be. I felt constantly sad....and that is NOT me. I knew that I needed to fix it. Through some research online and in talking with friends and family, I was able to find solace in my painting, yoga, music, and social time. And then, one day, as I'm contemplating what in the world I'm gonna do with my life, my students began messaging me online. And not just any students, but the two girls that I had really tried my best to motivate in school. They were messaging me...and yeah aside from the usual begging me to come back, they actually just wanted to say hey. That was all. Just to say hey and chat because they cared and they knew I cared. And there, the seed was planted.
That's when I began to think, "You know what, those kids made me happy. I was so passionate about my work there, and I had the freedom to teach in a way that was most beneficial to the kids, not any system or standardized test." I felt like I had actually made a difference, and maybe I could make an even bigger one if I went back. I knew that if I could get my job back, I could feel just as whole, happy, and healthy as I had when I left. Plus, if I could have more time and do some advanced planning, I could do something pretty AWESOME that the kids and I would just dive head first into. The more I thought about teaching at Corcovado School again, the more I realized my days becoming less sad. Yeah, it was mighty stressful living and teaching there some days, but my freedom to teach the kids in a meaningful way far outweighed the obstacles. Life in Puerto Jimenez was simple too, something I learned (key word: learned) to appreciate. Surfing made me happy, and while I have the best friends in the world here, something about meeting people authentically, face to face and not over the internet or on our cell phones or in bars, even when I was speaking a foreign language, was so enriching and real - I met a myriad of vagabonds, locals, expats, travelers, and businessmen alike that all had something to teach ME, the teacher.
So, I emailed Elmer, the director of the school to see if my position was still open....It was. Uh oh. "Why uh-oh?" you say? Wellllllll for one, I had already recommended an Auburn grad and her fiance to take my job when I left....Afterall, I didn't plan on coming back, and I wanted someone I trusted to teach my kids. So, I didn't wanna knock her out. However, I knew the school needed new teachers for ALL classes, so I thought we could work something out. My master plan was to keep my 2 same classes (Materno and 3rd-6th grade), Sara (the AU grad) could teach 1st-2nd grade, and her fiance could have Kinder/PreK...The Auburn family could just work together and teach the whole school! That'd be a great setup, I sure thought so.
Well, I guess Elmer or the Board or whoever apparently didn't think so. He took forever to respond (almost 3 weeks!) after telling me my position was open. And then, the emails he DID send me were both unclear and suggestive. He never said yes or no up front, but he was asking me to help find other teachers and sponsors....now why would he ask me to help him find other teachers if I wasn't accounted for? Especially if I was expressing serious interest in a teaching job...?? After I bombarded him with questions, he simply sent me another confusing email telling to "tranquilla"....DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN WHEN SCHOOL STARTS IN 4 WEEKS. Really? The next step in my life is teetering on you right now, and you're telling me to CALM DOWN??! You're joking me.
And then I simply couldn't wait any longer. He kept delaying, delaying, and delaying, and school's start date was only getting closer. Not only did this mean that my time to make a huge move and plan lessons was ticking away, but airfare was getting more expensive with each breath. The "T-minus-3-weeks-until-school-starts" (aka T-minus-2-weeks-until-I-need-to-move) mark hit, and I just couldn't take it. I had to either take a chance now or gamble on it later. I knew that just the idea of moving down there had made life in the last month happier, and I would have the support of my students' parents if I could just get down there and get the job. PLUS, I had this CRAZY-AWESOME idea for a thematic unit I'd do with my kids. Our unit would be "Earth" or "Mother Nature" since it's obviously such a huge part of life in the Osa, and our thematic long-term project was going to be building a chicken coup and garden!!!! YES! I'd always wanted to do it for myself, but just think....with a long term project like that, we could learn all kinds of content knowledge, and it would call for character building as well. The kids could research the best designs for gardens/coops, we could learn about and write persuasive essays to argue which design they think is best. We would then learn about measurements and make floor plans. In our sustainability section, we could brainstorm how we could use recycled materials to build our coop (thanks for the inspiration from Rural Studio in Auburn's architecture department!). Then we could learn about the lifecycle of chickens (thanks to Bronwyn Bishop/Luker/Rampy, my third grade teacher who raised baby chickens with us!). And we could even learn about something so very important in a food desert such as Puerto Jimenez - nutrition, cooking (eggs!), and healthy eating. Not to mention I could incorporate all the learning styles, teamwork, responsibility, decision making, independent working, and tons of language development into these types of lessons. Of course, math and science would be in there too, but those would come along just with the project! I literally had a two-page chart of subjects, lessons, and activities we could do that would EASILY take 6+ months....
Clearly, I had a moment of inspiration, and it got me excited. After so much thinking and stressing and milling over this topic, I decided that life is too short to not take any chances. I had decided a long time ago that living outside of your comfort zone was much more rewarding, and like I said, I had felt so mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy when I left there. At this point, I'd rather chance losing my money on a plane ticket than losing my sanity sitting around doing nothing in Auburn (even though I love Auburn).
So. I booked it. YEP. I took the gamble, and I booked a plane ticket. While I was taking a big risk, it was a calculated one, and I had to follow my gut on this one.
And then, I got excited.
And then, I got rejected. I think.
Within 24-48 hours of booking both tickets (international and domestic) to PJ, I got an email from Elmer. Again, it was quite confusing, but he mentioned something about a "list of new teachers", how the kids will "remember me well", and he closed with "good luck at your new job"......Uh....Well, sir, it kinda sounds like I DON'T HAVE A NEW JOB. What?!?! So it sounds like he's not giving me my job back (Sara, the AU teacher, seemed to confirm that for me), and CLEARLY I do not have another job, or I would not be asking for mine back. Ticos kill me sometimes!!!
I cried so hard my eyes were swollen shut, and I was on the verge of panic. Real panic. But I slept on it. And you know what? The next day was probably the greatest day I'd had (mentally) since I'd been home. Yes, it surprised me too. I thought that day would be a "I'm-never-ever-ever-EVER-getting-out-of-bed" days, but in some way, I had surrendered. I had a ticket down there that I couldn't do a darn thing about, and I was reminded of an important lesson I learned living in Puerto Jimenez - No matter how much you plan life, it's never gonna turn out how you planned, so quit stressing about it so much. That doesn't mean you quit your job, give up all your goals, and go with the flow of life (aka stagnate), but you really just can't sweat the small stuff. Yes, this is kind of a "big stuff" but I am just gonna step off this cliff and see if I can fly. I networked well while I was down there, and I'm hardworking, resourceful, and good with people...Surely, I can make it work. I've also got some good friends there who will help me out with a place to stay and spreading the word until I can get on my feet. I've already emailed a girl I met on the wave (and instantly got along with) about a job - turns out, she wants to interview me for a sea turtle research/conservation assistant. If I chose to do that, I would also be teaching the two boys who live in the area since there's no school. (Speaking of, I would be living farther out in the jungle than Matapalo and on the beach!) I'm not sure where I'll go with this, but it could be a good option until I can figure myself out.
Now do you understand why I say the REAL adventure starts now?! I have surrendered to the complete chaos, stress, bliss, and uncertainty (and everything in between) that awaits me. It's now or never, and I choose NOW!
